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Ten Dead Dogs
When you are gone I turn on different lamps. I watch documentaries, and eat foods you don’t indulge in. Lasagna, quiche and cherries. I dare to listen to my own voice. She feels for the families, you decry the murderers. I am reaching between the bars, and playing see-saw with a young girl on the…
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Comfort and Anxiety
“Today I am saying a really big goodbye,” I told my class. “I am going to keep each and every one of you in my heart.” Goodbye will mean more on Monday morning when I am not there to greet the children, and only a few may notice that something seems amiss. But it was…
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Pressured Speech
One of the things that happens when you are manic is that you have pressured speech. That means and intense desire to talk about anything and everything and the first thought that comes into your head, unfiltered. Sometimes, that translates for me into pressured writing, once I have bored or annoyed all the people I…
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Talking to Depression
We are a month past the winter solstice and I hear the cold wind calling my name. It tells me it’s my turn to feel the doldrums, to stagnate on the inside as I fight to stay active on the outside. Yesterday was a day of naps and tears. My husband was my rock, as we went to…
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Polar Warriors
There are times in life when you stumble across something in a haphazard way, and it turns out to be an inspiring moment. This is true for my discovery of Polar Warriors, the videos site belonging to Robert Whittaker. In his video “7 Milestones of Bipolar Disorder,” he says so many things that I relate to, that…
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Manic Remains
Once when I was manic I climbed into the closet under the stairs and started sawing away into the side wall where there is space under the stairwell, to create a tiny room. I cut a square opening, and discovered that there wasn’t quite enough space for a room. But I created a great place…
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Calming the Voices
I write here about a new found confidence that I experienced in my job, and how I didn’t know if it was personal growth or the beginning of a mania. It turns out is was a small breakthrough hypomania. I have been plagued again with doubts about my job performance, which could be the sign…
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Tears
It’s a dreary day today. I heated up a cup of tea, and curled up in my favorite cozy chair. I had the day off from work, and my husband took half a day off and we watched an episode of the series This is Us on hulu (spoiler alert). It’s a drama with some…
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I Don’t Love You That Way
I am resting in the calm before the storm, and it feels divine. Don’t jump your thoughts ahead, just stay in the moment of stillness and quiet and enjoy. Lately the weather has been such that whiskey calls my name, but I have not taken to drinking, I just tell the voice “not today,” and…
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Did You Hear Me?
“Hello? Did you hear me?” Sometimes when someone asks me a question I say “what?” as if I didn’t hear them, but sometimes it is just to give myself processing time. It’s an automatic habit that I am trying to break because I have come to learn that it is very aggravating for the person…
Moody Paper 