I had a dream in which I was under a waterfall and my skin was falling off in sheets, but instead of it being horrifying, it was a cleansing feeling. It was as if I was shedding negative thoughts and feelings. That’s where I feel like I am now, although it doesn’t come as easily as it did in the dream. It’s harder to find the waterfall, the powerful positive feelings that made it effortless to move through my day. The water is beneath me now, I am floating just above it, keeping the negative thoughts at bay one moment at a time.

Once I take that first moment to be positive, I keep doing so, step by begrudging step. I am able to get out of bed and shower. Then I feel the gloom set in again, so again I start to shed my skin of negativity. It takes so much energy, but once I have done it, I can move forward to getting dressed and ready for a trip to the grocery store. I wonder in the moment how I will make it through the crowds and the noise and I almost talk myself out of it. Today I have found the strength to keep moving forward, with the help of my beloved, my husband, who is in a happy mood and gets me to laugh. Bless him and all that he brings to this relationship. I don’t know if he understands how helpful he is to my mental health. I will try to find a way to explain it.

In the parking lot of the grocery store my brain feels fuzzy and my body is buzzing; I wonder how I will make it through this excursion. Step by step I focus on the next item on the list. The crowd is manageable in some aisles, and when it is not I take a deep breath and wait. I buy myself a few treats, as a reward for making it this far. The rest of the trip is uneventful and my mood has lightened considerably.

I remember that I am keeping a secret and it is draining me of energy. No, it is two secrets. Nothing life altering, just that I am struggling more at my job than I reveal to my boss, and that I had a scary walk with my dog in the dark early morning hours; it was 3am. I don’t think it was a hallucination, I am sure it really happened. A person was walking briskly at a distance behind me, but I didn’t see or hear him until my dog turned to look at him. That alerted me to look back, and as soon as I did, he turned around abruptly and walked away. Was it a neighbor who didn’t want to scare me into thinking I was being followed? Was it someone who was following me with ill intentions and changed their mind? I don’t know. The last two days I wonder if I was hallucinating. It is strange not to be certain.

My brain has been trying so hard to work with me instead of against me, so I am appreciative. I take each moment as a blessing in which I can work to give myself the gift of happiness. I am on vacation from work for two weeks, so it should not be as much of a struggle as it has been. I should be floating nicely on the water, even if the waterfall remains a dream.