I had a day this week where I was feeling happy and had to ask myself if I was becoming manic. I played my favorite songs that I listened to during my last manic episode, in hopes that I could nudge a tiny taste of mania into my week. So far, I have ranged from a normal happy to just ho hum. It feels stable, and I am thankful for that. I did purchase some items from amazon, which even normal me tends to do in spurts, and it wasn’t for an unreasonable amount of money. I got bubble solution, licorice for my husband, and two books about bipolar by Ellen Forney that I promised myself I would get months ago, so it didn’t seem all that impulsive.

I did find it interesting that the day I was feeling very happy was also a very good day for the student I worked with. It could be that it was a coincidence, but it reminded me that the energy I bring to that relationship is crucial. It was also a day after I expressed my insecurities to my team mates and they were able to reassure me that it wasn’t “all my fault” as I thought and that we are all searching for the right approach to helping our students. So sometimes it’s okay for me to express my paranoid thoughts; I was fortunate to have a chorus of support in return. What a gift that was.

I am still keeping a close watch on my mood, but for now it just feels like I have gained some confidence at work and that is leading to a happier disposition overall. I told my psychiatrist that I may be looking for another job over the summer, and he asked me why wait that long. He feels the stress of my work could trigger a mood episode, and that I shouldn’t be doing this job. I guess the reality is that I have chosen not to take his advice, and he either gets to say “I told you so,” or I will continue to remain stable while in this job that brings both struggles and joy.