Last night I googled “nervous breakdown” because I thought I might be having one. I was irritable, close to tears, overwhelmed and exhausted. But today I eased into each hour at work, floating above events as they passed, feeling assured that all was well. The pendulum swings back again and I am envisioning a scenario in which I do something so embarrassing and inappropriate at work that I am taken to a psych ward immediately. A chance to rest, I think.

The negative voices are whispering now instead of shouting. My therapist said I sound more grounded this week. While I have had a few symptoms here and there, I have not had a bipolar episode for 14 months. My psychiatrist is conservative in his approach. He still likes to see me on a monthly basis, and today he summarized my medication journey, explaining the many options we had if for some reason I should have a depression or mania while on my current medications. Right now my medication cocktail is working.

We had an ice storm recently and I had time off from work for four days. I curled up on the couch and read Ellen Forney’s books Marbles and Rock Steady They are both inspiring and educational, and especially compelling for creative types who are concerned about medication dulling the spark of creativity.

The weekend is here and tomorrow I will rest. I look forward to the quiet, the calm, and the slower pace that awaits me.