If I wasn’t on medication, I’d be manic. I can feel a few symptoms creeping in – pressured speech, hypersexuality, feeling happier than usual, staying up late. The last time I wrote, I was discouraged when talking about my memory issues, but now I feel peaceful.

The calmness that’s come over me is occurring because I went to a neuropsychologist and had over twelve tests done to measure my cognitive functions, including attention, memory, language, executive function, and visuospatial skills. The test results will be discussed with me next Wednesday, and I will report back what I’ve learned.

The anxiousness from waiting for the results is only relieved by my obsessive pursuit of knowledge. I have googled every test to see what it was measuring, researched bipolar and the temporal lobe, and looked up signs of dementia, so I can be prepared for what I perceive to be the most likely outcomes. I don’t really think I have dementia; after my interview with the neuropsychologist, I think that most of my weaknesses will be attributed to bipolar and medications.

Besides calmness, I was given hope. My neuropsychologist told me about The Texas Workforce Commission, how they help people with disabilities find jobs. Once I get my results, I will know what accommodations will be appropriate to ask for, and I will have documentation of my deficits. The results will also indicate what type of jobs might be most appropriate for me.

The tests were interesting. I was naming as many animals as I could in a minute, finding the missing parts of a painting, and telling the administrator what the words “always” and “never” have in common. I rattled off words that start with the letter “A”, arranged blocks to match a model, and drew a detailed geometric “fish” three times over the span of half an hour.

Some of the tests were a little frustrating and I did poorly on them, but I just had to laugh to cover up my embarrassment. “What the hell, how do I approach this?” I was so baffled by one test, I just couldn’t figure out the pattern that was the common thread. In order to help me discover the pattern, the administrator would answer “correct” or “incorrect” and move to the next image quickly. It went something like this: “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Incorrect.” “Correct!” It makes me laugh to recall it.

I’m so happy to be feeling peaceful and hopeful. We’ll see how I feel after the results. Have a great day, dear reader, and remember that knowledge is power.