I am five days sober. My hypomania has calmed; I took a three hour nap today and didn’t do anything creative. But I did dig in the dirt and plant some bulbs from my mother, so that felt good. I have been reading “A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps,” by Stephanie Covington. I am reading through the whole book before doing the steps, if I do in fact do them. I am researching right now, the best way to approach my sobriety.

I talked with my therapist and she mentioned a term I have not heard of called HAMS, which is harm reduction for alcohol and doesn’t involve complete abstinence. I don’t know if I can walk through the gray path of drinking “not right now,” or if I should just be determined to quit altogether. I have told myself I will stay sober while I research it, and not be hasty in making any decision.

The other issue I will be tackling is my relationship with God, or what I perceive God to be, since the twelve steps include giving over to a higher power. I was baptized Catholic, attended a Lutheran school and church until 6th grade, and then attended public school.

When I was about 11 my step-father told me that not everything in the Bible was true, and it shattered my world for a little bit. I’d never talked to anyone who wasn’t religious before. I have since been in both the atheist camp and the agnostic camp. It’s a good thing I like camping!

Seriously, I am currently agnostic, and am encouraged by the descriptions of ways to think of God in “A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps.” It ranges from the traditional to an inner god and goddesses. I know it is an emotional issue for me, because the rare times I do attend church I find myself crying, but it’s a big jumble of emotion that I don’t really understand. So definitely some more work to do there.

Tomorrow I start work to prepare for the kids in summer school, so life will get a bit busier. I will have afternoons to focus on my creativity, blog, and nap, as school gets out at 12:30. I am looking forward to it!