I have been having some conflicting feelings about calling myself an alcoholic, as well as using the steps as outlined in AA. What I feel is the most accurate statement after doing much soul searching, researching and online test taking from the CDC, is that I drank at levels that were hazardous to my health and made my treatment for bipolar less effective. The end result is the same, I will not be drinking alcohol at all.

My main issue with AA was the acknowledgement of a supreme being, God. So I went in search of a twelve step program without God, and I just finished reading a wonderful book yesterday. “Staying Sober Without God: The Practical 12 Steps to Long -Term Recovery From Alcohol & Addictions” by Jeffrey Munn. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is an agnostic or atheist or for whatever reason feels uncomfortable with the reference to God in the 12 steps. The author is not only a psychotherapist, but has spent many years in 12 step programs as first an addict, and then as a sponsor and psychotherapist. He states that “it’s important to understand that addiction, like most things, exists on a spectrum. Some people have a much harder time controlling their addictive behaviors than others…Don’t compare yourself to other people with addiction, compare yourself to yesterday’s version of yourself.”

So if I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, why am I doing the steps? Well, I may not do all of them, as some don’t apply to me, but most of them are centered around good practices for anyone who wants to be a happier, healthier person. Jeffrey Munn even adds a chapter of what he feels the steps missed, as he focuses on nutrition, exercise and mindfulness, all healthy practices for anyone wanting a better quality of life.

Something that Munn also explains is a difference between a lapse and a relapse. A relapse is when you have gone back to negative behavior patterns, and a lapse may be a temporary slip up that is corrected in a reasonable amount of time, and negative behaviors do not take hold. When reading that, I realized I could think of myself as 83 days sober with a 3 day lapse. Or if I just go by the last time I had a drink, I could say it’s been 18 days. On some days, it may be more encouraging for me to think of the 83 days that I didn’t have any alcohol to drink.

I do not know what the future holds in terms of a relationship with a God; that is a journey I am still on. But I know at this point in my life, I am empowering myself to make changes and keeping an open mind.

I know there are people in my life, including the professionals treating me, who have their own opinions about my past drinking habits. I want to thank all of them for helping me along this journey with their wisdom and guidance, it has been very valuable to me, and I feel very peaceful on the path I have chosen.