I have a “big protective guide” around me and he shows himself as a large male. That’s what magical cat told me, a woman who is psychic. I’ve always been skeptical of psychics while still being fascinated by them. I found the idea of a big protective guide particularly comforting. Today I ask myself if that is the doorway through to my belief in a God, and can he manifest first as a big protective guide before I unwrap him as encompassing so much more? I speak of spirituality as if it is a gift to be discovered, one that I will come to appreciate, cherish and care for at my own pace.

Three years ago I prayed. When I was incredibly depressed but even more so anxious, when I would awaken in the middle of the night and pace the floor, when my heart would leap out of my chest, and my hands would shake, I prayed. I didn’t even understand completely who I was praying to, but I called upon God to take away my agony.

It didn’t happen right away. I had to take small steps toward a life worth living; gradually I found a way back to a part of me that smiled when I saw the sunrise.

My heroes are suffering. They are advocates for mental health, and they are sharing their vulnerability with the world. They are brave and strong, but they are in pain. I want to pray for them. I will pray for them to find the strength to keep going through the darkness until they find the light.

I feel blessed to have such a healthy state of mind for the last two years. My medications have been keeping me stable, and while work brings stress, it has not caused any mood cycles. My last mania was two years ago and my last depression was three years ago. I have been making an effort to get enough sleep and refrain from drinking alcohol, and those two factors have been key in helping me maintain stability.

I don’t take it lightly, I know that things can change quickly, and the most I can hope for is that I catch my triggers early so I can take care of myself should I feel a mood shift coming on. I will say a prayer of gratitude for my good health, and ask for guidance should I experience triggers. I don’t have to do this alone.