Natasha Tracy is a mental health advocate, writer and a woman with bipolar disorder. Her Suicide Assessment Scale has saved my life (https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/suicide/scale-suicide-suicidal-you/). I admire her work, so seeing her struggle in a video she posted recently on Instagram made me remember what it is like to be in the midst of a dark depression. I am so thankful that she is willing to be vulnerable and share her thoughts with us. She also has an amazing strength and encourages us to keep going, stating that the reality is that the struggle is part of the process to get to where we need to be.

One of the frustrating aspects of bipolar is how well you can be doing and still have breakthrough symptoms that scatter down around you, like hail in a rainstorm. I have every reason to be care free and happy if you look at my life objectively, yet I am having intrusive thoughts. They are just another symptom of bipolar that I watch and take care of. I am noticing their frequency and intensity; while they are increasing in frequency, they are not too intense. I just check in with myself several times a day, and I feel confident that I am managing well, and my medicine is doing it’s job.

I saw my psychiatrist last week, and at the time I wasn’t having intrusive thoughts, and all seemed to be going well. If I see an increase in the intensity of the thoughts, I will contact him. I also recall a time when my therapist told me it was time to put down the bipolar books; perhaps I was obsessing too much and feeding into the symptoms instead of just experiencing them. I have been reading bipolar books exclusively for the last two months, so I will put them aside for now and see if that helps with my thought patterns.

It is frustrating to be doing so well, and then have to babysit my mind a bit more, but that’s what’s needed to get through this. Just as Natasha knows that she has to go through the debilitating sadness to get better, I know I have to pay careful attention to my thoughts, and honor the process that is all about staying well.