In between lies my honesty. I am on step four. “Make a comprehensive list of our resentments, fears, and harmful actions.” I have been playing them like movie trailers in my mind in preparation for writing them down. Now it is time to write.

Truth be told, the harmful actions that come to mind are the result of mania more than drinking. I have a desire to write about those manic moments. I do have about three related to drinking, but so many more related to mania.

Brené Brown and Jeffrey Munn both find shame to be a harmful emotion. But how do you stop feeling broken? You have to open your tool box of coping skills and see what you have to fix yourself with. I have tools like DBT and CBT therapy, meditation, and research. I also have people in my life that are on all points of my journey across the bridge to my future, and I just need to be able to say without shame, “I need your help.”

Right now, I don’t need help so much as encouragement. My intrusive thoughts have slowed down. They are not there when I work. Now that summer vacation is here I will have to pay attention to how my mind responds to having more time to think and ruminate. Having a schedule for my day with goals to accomplish will help to keep me focused on the outside world and the people in my life. Looking inward is important, if it is for the purpose of growth, and I will let that goal be my guide.