“Hello? Did you hear me?” Sometimes when someone asks me a question I say “what?” as if I didn’t hear them, but sometimes it is just to give myself processing time. It’s an automatic habit that I am trying to break because I have come to learn that it is very aggravating for the person trying to communicate with me. Sometimes I genuinely don’t hear the words coming out of their mouth, but more often, I just need time to make sense of it.

An even more annoying habit that I have developed is that if I can’t hear it, or the processing time is taking too long, I will just answer with a “yeah,” or “yes.” and hope that approximates an accurate answer. It explains a lot of the confused faces and awkward pauses in my conversations.

Now that I am actually putting these thoughts together as I type on my keyboard I am realizing that all of this could be side effects of my medication. My psychiatrist told me that one of my medications, topiramate, is jokingly referred to as doperimate for it’s dulling effect on the mind. I laughed at the time, and it’s funny to think about psychiatrists hanging out and making jokes related to their profession, but I’m sure I would be pleasantly surprised and grateful if I was able to process thoughts a little bit faster.

Another thought that I have entertained, is that it is social anxiety that causes me to have the delay. The only thing about that is it happens even with the people I am most comfortable with, and when I am relaxed and in familiar surroundings. Another reason I considered is from a book I read called “Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders that Sabotage Us” by John J Ratey. The book discusses mild “versions” of conditions that show up in earlier generation of someone who has the full fledged condition. While I don’t agree with calling autism a Mental Disorder, every once in a while I wonder if I have a mild version of what used to be called asperger’s (until the powers that be of the DSM-V decided to do away with that name and just call it all autism.)

So those are the thoughts rolling around in my head like marbles in a jar, just clanking around, spinning and whirring, and generally making a ruckus in my mind. If my psychiatrist hasn’t hit the road to be a comedian by my next appointment, I’ll ask him about the possibility that this is yet another endearing side effect.