It’s a dreary day today. I heated up a cup of tea, and curled up in my favorite cozy chair. I had the day off from work, and my husband took half a day off and we watched an episode of the series This is Us on hulu (spoiler alert). It’s a drama with some very sad scenes, that have had my husband in tears in the past, and I haven’t cried at all. I know that normally I probably would be crying, but I am experiencing some emotional blunting from my medication.

Today there was a scene in which a grown daughter talks to her deceased father, asking him to bless her newborn premature baby. I began to feel tears well up in my eyes, and a little bit of sadness stir inside of me. It was a welcome feeling. The tears gently rolled over the rim of my eyes, but didn’t cascade down my cheeks. I think I had five tears. With gentle surprise in my voice, I said “oh, I am crying.”

I was happy to feel sadness. I find myself imagining scenarios that would make me cry, as a sort of guidepost to future feelings. When this happens, I will cry, so I am okay with this emotional blunting. I don’t need to change my medication. It’s up to me to decide if it bothers me. Am I able to feel the greatest extent of happiness that I normally feel? What about anger, that I’ve always had a hard time expressing anyway? I am having a difficult time answering these questions, so I think I’ll need to fill out a mood chart and do some journaling for a while to be more in touch with my feelings. They feel a bit like strangers to me. No, not strangers. Long lost friends.