I write here about a new found confidence that I experienced in my job, and how I didn’t know if it was personal growth or the beginning of a mania. It turns out is was a small breakthrough hypomania. I have been plagued again with doubts about my job performance, which could be the sign of a mood swing in the other direction. Thankfully my medication keeps these moods in a relatively mild zone, so I am still able to function.

Lately I have been irritated at work, and down on myself for the struggles I am having. I also have thoughts in my head that my co-workers are angry with me. I will check in with them sometimes; yesterday I expressed my frustration at being ineffective; the voices in my head told me my co-workers were angry about that. One co-worker reassured me that I was doing a good job, and the other was silent. Oops. I think I will have negative thoughts around her silence, but that is ok. All I can do is bring my best, and hope I improve with each day.

This is the first time I have recognized that this is a pattern of thinking related to mood swings and as a result the negative voices are less cumbersome. Yes, I could be more effective, but I am not abysmal. Yes, my coworkers may get frustrated with me at times, but that is to be expected; we work so closely together and all have our different approaches to interacting with students.

I am one of the lucky ones. I get to work with kids all day. Unique, funny, curious, and complex youngsters who live with gusto. I play, sing, laugh, and dance with my students and I have so many special moments that become cherished memories.