“I’ve got so much love to give,” the words loop in my brain, although I haven’t watched Magnolia in such a long time. Last night I had the chance to share pieces of myself through simple introductions, but my insides weren’t all put together, and you can’t reach in and straighten them out when you’re in a crowd of people. If you tried, someone might get a glimpse of your insecurities, social anxiety, and shyness. You can’t have any of that showing, it would be like wearing that shirt that is low cut, “who do you think you are?” my brain would shout at me.

You tried to be pretty that day. It was your first shirt that you bought to try to be pretty. And look what happened. Now you dress yourself in giant sweaters, and he would often stay “stop hiding your body,” but to wear clothes that fit would be to say I belong, and I didn’t belong in that world where it’s okay to take up space. You didn’t learn your lesson, and started gaining weight, and taking up more space, and now there’s anger, because how could you let yourself go like that, and now you don’t have to worry about looking pretty anymore.

But it’s all you think about when you walk into that room. Until you sing happy birthday then you are smiling and happy and forget that your hair is lifeless and your outfit is overflowing on your body. And the bags under your eyes, when have you slept, or are you always crying, they wonder about the girl who cannot cry.

There is always a song to sooth the soul, though, if only for the time you are singing it, or a special message from someone to cheer you up and make you feel for a moment that you are worthy. There are smiles that put all your insides back in place so you can step out into the world again and send your own authentic smile out to the universe. There is so much love waiting for you.