I have built the stairs leading up to the air we breathe.

I’m not holding my breath anymore, because I’ve talked about what is uncomfortable to talk about. I have reached the surface and it feels divine.

I have been in touch with my therapist and my psychiatrist. I have read the words of Natasha Tracy and Julie Fast, the two bipolar advocates and authors that I have learned so much from; their work has saved my life.

I have found the courage to talk about the most uncomfortable feelings related to suicidal ideation, and in doing so, I have taken away their power. I am free from emotional distress, and feel relaxed and calm.

Sometimes when you speak the words out loud they sound scary and you might definitely freak people out. My therapist was concerned until I told her that I took Natasha Tracy’s Suicide Assessment Scale and I was just at a 1, and that they are like cloud thoughts, they just drift in and out, and it’s normal for someone with bipolar.

When I told my psychiatrist today, he wasn’t concerned, he could tell I had a handle on them. He was more concerned about my intrusive thoughts related to my work situation, and even that he felt I had greatly improved.

So I created those steps leading up to the surface. I practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I reach out to professionals. I talk to loved ones. I find the courage to say the words. I know I create worry in others, and that to me is sad and I don’t want to burden, worry or sadden others. But to pretend to be okay extends the time that you are not okay. And when you pretend, you can’t find the stairs.