We are a month past the winter solstice and I hear the cold wind calling my name. It tells me it’s my turn to feel the doldrums, to stagnate on the inside as I fight to stay active on the outside. Yesterday was a day of naps and tears. My husband was my rock, as we went to the grocery store together, a task I usually handle on my own. I was so grateful to have him lead the way and set the tone with his humor.

Today I was able to give my dog a bath, clean the bath tub and do some laundry. I’ve been pushing the boulder leading up to the top of the hill with as much energy as I can generate. I will need to conserve some energy this afternoon in order to give it my all tomorrow at work. Thankfully, I have the time to rest.

I said out loud what I had been feeling inside for a long time to my co workers, how ineffective I’d been feeling and how much I appreciate their competence, and I believe I even said they deserved better than me. They said I am the calm in the room that is much needed, but I cannot shake this feeling of my terrible performance on the job. I think there is much truth to it, and my depression is making it seem even more extreme than it really is. I keep giving myself pep talks, about how I can make it until the end of the year. I think I can even find the strength to improve my skill set at work. My touchstones will be persistence and assertiveness.

It’s so embarrassing to be me now. To know all my coworkers think I am ineffective, but they are kind to me because I am so sweet. To think writing down these words are meaningful to anyone but me. To be weak when I am surrounded by strength. To feel sad when there is so much to be thankful for.

So. Using dialectal behavioral therapy and gratitude to talk to depression: I am fortunate to have a job, and amazing co-workers. I am lucky to have a supportive husband and family. I am loved and cared for by many people who have an interest in my happiness. I can and will improve my skill set and become an amazing co-worker. I get to wake up every morning to a world of possibilities, and choose to strive for strength and wisdom.