Yes you will grieve forever. Not as a life sentence, but as a love letter you keep writing. – Jameson Arasi

I want to share this quote on my friend’s page on Facebook, but I feel it would be too intrusive for his family. They are grieving, and we all have our own path and our own way of grieving. Bless them as they struggle through this thing called loss.

I have seen this image a brazillion times, as it is an artwork of mine from 2008, but did you know that the man depicted in this artwork is daniel? He was so hard to reach sometimes, that I should have let him go a long time ago. But I couldn’t. Because I know, when someone is depressed, they distance themselves. He would come back around when life was not too much or there was an excitement to share, usually a new friend. And I would listen.

In a way we were so different, but we both had the same kind of lonely. Maybe that was the bond. He talked to me a lot about Monica, whom he believed was his soulmate. It was painful to watch his heart break as she distanced herself, to watch him buy her gifts in case she came back, to listen to him tell me the things she said that ensured that she loved him, too. I yearned for her to come back so he could be happy again. So he could stop drinking in unsustainable amounts. So he could live.

There was no sign of intentionality. I believe that, because he lived for hope, and he didn’t let that slip away. He knew his demons very well. He knew how to tame them. It was just an accident.

I don’t think one ritual to say goodbye will suffice. I think this is a long journey, with no certainty, and perhaps no end. I don’t want to die in the way he did. I don’t want to survive him in the way I am. So I live in the middle of his hope, I carry it for him, and for me, because I want to live. I want to continue the life I have that brings me happiness. I want to be as authentic as possible – that is a journey, too, and I need to be alive to see that through.