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I Quit
He’s taller than me when he stands on the bench, and he takes joy in jumping into my arms, wrapping his legs around mine and smiling his big smile. The problem is he is too big for me to hold. I am losing my grip as I say to him firmly, “feet on floor.” He…
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Ten Dead Dogs
When you are gone I turn on different lamps. I watch documentaries, and eat foods you don’t indulge in. Lasagna, quiche and cherries. I dare to listen to my own voice. She feels for the families, you decry the murderers. I am reaching between the bars, and playing see-saw with a young girl on the…
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Confessions
I tripped over a kindergartener and hurt my knee. Hazard of the profession. The kindergartener made out okay, just a few tears, then “Oh look, computer!” And all was forgotten. I’ve been using harm reduction with regards to my drinking and it is going better than expected. I have many days of the week where…
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Broken Brain
Two days ago my brain broke. It just refused to do what it needed to do, and I ended up doing nothing. I can’t do nothing and still be good at this job, so I have to figure out how to keep my brain from breaking. At first, I was hanging on until the end…
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Art Images at the MET
I got the job that I interviewed for. I will be working as a teacher’s aide with non-verbal children with autism. The size of the class will be new for me, there are sixteen students. I am used to having about ten or twelve. The principal wanted me to understand that it is a challenging…
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Leaving a Mark
I don’t know what to write anymore. I am afraid. I don’t want the truth spilling out everywhere, in places that I can’t contain it. I am forever just cleaning up messes from the things I do and say, from the things I am too frightened to do or say. And I’m not even manic…
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Memory Issues
I am longing to remember. The water feels cool, the sound of it lapping against the rocks at the same tempo as my heartbeat. Don’t you remember her? No, I can’t. I can’t picture her face. I draw circles in the water, and they disappear before my finger makes its way back to the beginning.…
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Relationships: Hearing Voices
More than once I was in a relationship for longer than I should have stayed. There was such discord between the things I wanted from a relationship, and the reality of that relationship that I had several mental health challenges. Rather than face the truth that I should just let someone go, I hung on…
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When I’m lost
Reaching for a feeling, anything that will stir my spirit and point me in the direction I need to go. I feel lost, not sure of my footing, waiting for the next wave to assert itself. Splash against the rocks and declare that I can do this, while awakening a soul full of answers. But…
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Resignation
Well, I’ve gone and done it now. I resigned from my job. A job I have only had for ten days, but it seems a lifetime longer. Bipolar has played a part, an ever growing part, in my decision. The embarrassment and agony are tolerable knowing that I will have an end to the stress…
Moody Paper 