Things that came together. I had a car accident and we both thought we had the green light. She was lost in thoughts of a grandchild who had died a few days before, I was wondering about the car behind me that was taking up two lanes. I was looking in my rearview mirror (the past event) when I was hit by the car.

After the car accident I had a normal amount of trepidation about driving again, nothing out of the ordinary. But within the coming months a sense would settle in that I was not long for this life, that something was going to happen to cut my life short.

We went to a party. She is singing in a sultry voice. She is beautiful. She could be the art teacher’s sister. She moves a bit like her, looks like her, sounds like her. (I used to be an art teacher.) She sings and plays her guitar with my husband. Watching was a unique experience. Awkwardness, jealousy, but an immense beauty in something that was happening. Not so much between them, although that was present, but the resurgence of a new hope for a rich, deeply experienced life. Whose life, I am not sure. It feels like it should be my husband that will experience profound changes, after all, I am the one who will be dying soon.

I am walking my dog when that comes to my head, that I don’t have control over when life ends, but it feels imminent. I had to honk my horn twice at cars about to hit me today. It’s in my head, there is a way to have control over when I will die. My dog is sniffing in a neighbor’s yard. There is one way I get to be in control of my destiny, and that would be suicide. Then I wouldn’t have to wait and wonder when and how. I look down. A large piece of curved glass, smooth except for beautiful air bubbles, is laying in the grass near where my dog is sniffing. It must belong to something my neighbor once possessed, but now it’s broken. I didn’t feel I could leave it there, someone could get hurt. I pick it up and walk past the four red doors to my place. I realize I have just been handed a means to end my wondering.

I am ok to wonder, I tell myself. I am ok not to know. She has something to do with it, with my death, I don’t understand how. That feels like unclear thinking, not like jealousy, like compersion, and the way things may be that are not in my control. That’s ok, I can let it all go and just let it be. I place the glass on the turquoise table on our porch and walk inside. My normal routine is here for me, my comfort, my home, my love.