I know Julie Fast says that it’s common for people with bipolar to have suicidal thoughts that she calls “cloud thoughts” that drift in and out, and while they are to be taken seriously, it is a normal part of the bipolar experience, and to take necessary precautions. I am thankful to have read her articles and books, and to have come across that perspective.

I thought I might cry during my virtual appointment with my psychiatrist, so I jotted down some notes beforehand so I would remember what I wanted to say. I had not told anyone about my Sunday and Monday, and speaking the words for the first time might be difficult. I started by telling him my mood is much improved and the thoughts had settled down. I explained that I had racing thoughts, and one that was appearing frequently was that there was a knife in the kitchen, and I could use it. I let him know that on Sunday the thought was looping in my head every five minutes, and I just avoided going in the kitchen. By Monday the voice was quieter and less frequent, but I still had anxiety and racing thoughts. Today is Wednesday and all I feel is the normal anxiety that I have every day. The voices and images have quieted down.

I also told him I use Natasha Tracy’s Suicide Assessment Scale and I was at a 2, the highest risk being a 10.

He said that from my description I was having intrusive thoughts and not experiencing depression. I confirmed that, and said that I was more anxious and high energy with no signs of depression. Maybe a mixed state. He asked if I’d ever experienced this before, and I thought about it and replied that I had not, that when I had suicidal thoughts in the past they had been accompanied with depression. He reminded me that if I were to feel concerned, I could call 911 or emergency psychiatric services.

We talked about the stress of my job, and I let him know that I work with a group of amazing women and we love and support one another through the difficulties. We are determined to support each other through to the month of May when school ends for the summer. He told me there was something to be said for taking care of yourself first. He has made it clear that he thinks this job is too stressful for me, and to avoid mood swings it would be better to resign sooner. I do respect his opinion, and I do agree that the job is stressful, but my team is so supportive that they have found a way to make it less stressful for me. It is working well for now. I am willing to take it day by day and assess my moods frequently. I guess this could be considered my psychiatrists “I told you so” session, since I seemed to be in a mixed state, due to the stress of my job. In any case, I got through my appointment without crying, the thoughts are gone, and I feel peaceful.