I haven’t been able to write lately. I can’t find the words to describe how I have been feeling, and it seems that it doesn’t matter anyway even if I could. That is my anxiety talking, it has been swirling in my brain and taking up space. Thoughts run parallel to a song I invited into my head entitled “Clouds” by Eric Hisaw, so I have been wandering around my condo singing “there’s a beauty in your madness, a poetry in your sadness, there’s a cloud hanging low, tonight.”

I am preparing to go back to work. I will find myself in the same job that I had last year, which means I will be working with the same supportive group of people, and that makes me feel calm. There will be stressors to be sure. But we will face them together.

I actually interviewed for another job, was offered the job and accepted all in one day. I had this overwhelming excitement followed by a sense of dread that clung to me and crushed me for the rest of the day and into the evening. I was certain that I made the wrong decision, but I just kept pushing myself forward.

I went ahead and composed my resignation email to my current job, sent it, got reactions from it, still feeling like it was a mistake. Then the next morning the feeling continued, so by mid day I was rescinding my resignation and calling the new school to profusely apologize and tell them I couldn’t accept the job. They were incredibly gracious, saying they were impressed with me and to keep them in mind for future positions. There was a lot of agonizing and crying, those strange tears I get that just run down my face, with no sound. Just a stillness of body and wreckage of the mind.

It’s been three days since all of that drama, and I have the same number of days until I go back to work. I am going to relax into them. I do have a small celebration. I went to girls night out and ordered root beer instead of alcohol, so I am still sober. One hundred and twenty five days sober. Below is the beautiful song I have playing in my head. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.