Moody Paper

Three of Me

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Photo by Heloisa Vecchio on Pexels.com

There are three of me, at least. The one that floats just above, who hears voices, sees things that aren’t there, and sends down the songs to loop in my mind. She likes to spin in circles, stirring up thoughts so they mingle with one another. She loves to spend money, laugh loudly, act boldly. Her ideas are uncensored, they come to me in sing-song, shouts, or giggles. She is minimally invasive, thanks to medication.

There is another who lives from deep in my bones to just under my skin, always trying to force her way to the surface. The one that doesn’t want to meet any demands, from taking a shower, to going to work, to staying sober. Not content to stay in one place, she carves out vast areas in my body to invade. I can feel her especially on weekend mornings, for just a millisecond before I take action. I have to prevent her from unleashing herself onto the surface of my being; all she wants to do is sleep. I make deals with her; let’s take a shower, but you don’t have to wash your hair today. I have to comfort her and replace intrusive thoughts with images of strength and protection. No one gets hurt on my watch.

My watch. That “my” is normal me; Normal me is quiet, sensitive, and rational. She embraces the others and calls them friend, because this is not a battleground, it is a meeting of the minds. I am not at war with myself, I am in collaboration with the inventiveness of my mind, utilizing the power of suggestion, rational thought and love to come to an understanding. We work together to “get it back to good.”

5 responses to “Three of Me”

  1. wktucker Avatar
    wktucker

    I’m not bipolar, but do feel a lot of times as you expressed here. 🧡🕊️

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  2. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Very colorful descriptions! Did it take a long time to have it be not a battleground?

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    1. Moody Paper Avatar
      Moody Paper

      It’s been twenty one years since I was diagnosed, and as far as medication adherence it was only a battleground for about a year when I stopped taking medications. I have had many years where I doubted my diagnosis, however, and my lifestyle was more of a hinderance than a help. I would say it’s been the last three years that I have really embraced a healthy way of living and had a more collaborative approach to managing my mood states. For some people, it is invigorating to think of it as a battle, and I don’t want to present that perspective as less than valuable, as it is a preferred point of view for some. I just find for me personally, it tends to exhaust me to think in terms of fighting a war. A creative collaboration is something I can relate to and work with.

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  3. Deborah Avatar
    Deborah

    I relate to all of this, but particularly the last paragraph.

    As I learned to contend with being (sometimes) non-verbal, I noticed a part of me found this very aggravating and another accepted it gently. The part that found it all “very aggravating,” I came to call my head; the part that “accepted it gently,” a part I’d not before paid much head, my heart. My head would call things a battle, which my heart found hilarious and adorable. “There is no battle here, friend.” Slowly, thank goodness, my head did start taking heed, and my life’s gradually grown better as a result.

    So, yep, I feel these words deep down. <32

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  4. Moody Paper Avatar
    Moody Paper

    It’s a wonderful feeling to know that someone relates to what I wrote. I didn’t really know what I wanted to write about until I found that image, and then it came to me. I understand a little bit about how being non verbal at times could seem aggravating to the head, but that the heart would have more room for understanding. My daughter had selective mutism in her younger years, and now that she is an adult, the battle is more of a dance. I am also an introvert and can be extremely quiet much of the time. I love that your heart found the head’s response to be hilarious and adorable!

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I’m Alicia, the creator and author behind this blog. I’m an artist living with bipolar disorder. I write because it soothes my soul.

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