The Source of Sanity

August 31, 2023

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Photo by Dhemer Gonu00e7alves on Pexels.com

Something is changing in my inner world. I have developed more self confidence because I have let go of a fear that I would not be able to complete an important function in my job. That others would be watching me and I would fail. But I have been pushing through the fear and succeeding, and with each successful attempt I feel more like the person I want to become. It is accompanied by a feeling of excitement. I notice a wall is coming down and I am looking at people without diverting my gaze quickly like I tend to do. I am looking directly at them and listening without hearing the negative self talk in my head that I have grown accustom to. I am actually hearing positive voices telling me I am handling things well. This is a very new experience for me.

So of course I must question if it is a sign of the beginning of mania, which is often accompanied by a more confident thought process at the beginning of the episode, and can lead up to delusions of grandeur. It can be sad to realize that what feels like a real improvement that I have struggled with for so long could just be a fleeting mood, and if it is, it will most likely be followed by a depression.

It makes me sad to think this may not be “normal” me making great strides, and that once the mood state is over, I will be haunted by an overabundance of negative self talk again. Is there a way to channel this state of mind, if it is caused by bipolar, and tend to it, creating tendrils that gently wrap my brain and soul with all that I am experiencing now?

Perhaps keeping a journal of the positive thoughts I am hearing now would be a good idea. I can revisit them, sketch pictures and doodle around them, make them a part of my creative life so that I can continue to create the person that I want to be.

7 responses to “The Source of Sanity”

1pursuit

Aug 31, 2023 at 8:21 pm

Your idea of journaling your positives seems wise to me. A reminder of your strengths when only the weaknesses come to mind. Clearly you have strengths to leverage. Recovery is so often built from our strengths base, and it is impeded because we forget about those strengths. They are who you are, along with everything else.

Again, a good post, full of honesty and reality. Encouraging. Thank you!

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1. Moody Paper
  
  Sep 1, 2023 at 6:10 pm
  
  That’s an excellent point that “recovery is so often built from our strengths base, and it is impeded because we forget about those strengths.” I do think the journaling will help me to remember my strengths. Thank you so much for your meaningful comments, they are greatly appreciated!
  
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Anonymous

Sep 1, 2023 at 3:07 am

What a roller coaster and well-written post. What a downer to realize a better self image could be the result of impending mania. The journal idea sounds great, and what about the therapy cards you mentioned in another post? Maybe make some personal to this time?

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Sera

Sep 1, 2023 at 3:13 am

What a roller coaster of a read and a well-written post! I felt the sadness in realizing that confidence and better self image could be the result of impending mania.
The journaling idea is good. You wrote about Julie Fast’s Health Cards – maybe you could make a few personal ones for this situation?

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1. Moody Paper
  
  Sep 1, 2023 at 5:23 am
  
  The health cards, thank you! I had just realized it was a symptom of mania as I was writing, so I was focused on that and hadn’t even thought of the health cards! Thank you for the reminder!
  
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Nancy

Sep 1, 2023 at 10:11 am

Hold that good self confidence close and check on it each day. You are doing great and in touch with your inner self. Keep up the good work.

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Moody Paper

Sep 1, 2023 at 6:03 pm

Thank you for the encouragement! I had another great day at work, and don’t feel tired, and I was singing more often to the kids, so that’s a sign that I may have some mild mania. Thanks to my medications it doesn’t usually get too bad. Tonight I am going to look at the health cards and do some journaling.

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