“You still love me, don’t you?”

That was a question a friend asked me via facebook messenger this week. I was taken aback, as he was in the midst of telling me about a woman he was very interested in, and usually he does not focus on me at all during these conversations. I responded unexpectedly – with three terse sentences that underplayed the meaningfulness of our friendship in the past, as a fear reaction that he was trying to cross a boundary. His response was “Ouch.” He felt I was rewriting history, that I used to feel passionate about him, and I was not expressing that I ever felt that way.

Usually I keep my anger in, dragging it around with me, and never expressing it. I don’t know what made this time so different other than the fact that I could hide behind a screen, but usually even that would deter me. Was I in a bipolar mood state of irritability, or was I just becoming more genuine with my feelings? I am starting to think that there is a combination at play here – that mild aspects of those bipolar mood states are sifting out and my inner self is going through some growth spurts.

I apologized for unleashing on him, and told him I guess I had some anger to work through. I asked for his forgiveness, which he offered without hesitation. I am a little jazzed that I was able to let some anger out, though, I have to admit. That had been building up for a good eight years, and it felt good to let it go. I am still a novice when it comes to expressing anger. That was ugly, sloppy, and not as honorable as I’d like it to be, but it was a start.

Truth be told, I still have a lot of anger from the past in this relationship, and from this current conversation. Maybe I don’t want or need to talk about the past, and that should be a boundary of mine. Maybe I say “I love you” to some friends, but you aren’t one of them. I am oh so horrible with boundaries, another huge growth experience I need to grab a hold of and hang onto with all my might. But that is a conversation for another day.