There are things about friendship that I don’t understand. Wait, that’s not it. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. During every life change, when I move on from a group of friends for whatever reason, be it a move or a change in job, I don’t keep in touch. I don’t always understand why, but a lot of times when I leave a place, I leave with shame. Shame is something I think I need to explore, to climb out of, to seek to understand, to work to eliminate to a great extent.

I think that I am selfish with my time. I prefer my own company too much. What that really translates to is that I don’t feel anxiety as much when I am alone. So on top of shame, there is anxiety to contend with.

I am an introvert. I get my energy from being alone, and I am quickly drained by being in the company of other people. I am an observer and a listener. Sometimes I will ask questions. I can spend an evening at a social event saying very few words. Many people have commented on how quiet I am. When I am around people I am very comfortable with, or I am manic, I can be very chatty.

My biggest shame exit is probably when I resigned from my job. I know I was depressed and left a lot of loose ends for my coworkers and the person who would replace me. The person I thought would keep in contact with me made very little effort. I assume she was mad about how difficult I made her life, even though she reassured me that she understood why I was leaving, and wished me well. She had a sibling who is bipolar, so she was very sympathetic. And as was usual for me, I didn’t make any effort to stay in touch. When I think back on that whole experience the overriding emotion is shame.

Perhaps even more shameful was the exit from my marriage of twenty five years. I was married for fourteen years before I was diagnosed as bipolar, and I find it very difficult to talk about mania and hypersexuality, as it sounds like a big excuse for infidelity. But it’s a very real symptom that wrecks relationships. I think a person is still to be held accountable for behavior during mania. But to know that your brain gets sick just like other organs in the body, and it creates havoc in your thought process and judgement, at least helps to explain why one’s values are not always reflected in one’s behavior during mania.

Brene Brown talks a lot about shame, so I think I will invest some time in researching what she has to say. I will tackle the anxiety with my therapist, we are always looking for something to discuss and I always go to “things are good,” until I sit here and really start to think about how things really are.