Once when I was manic I climbed into the closet under the stairs and started sawing away into the side wall where there is space under the stairwell, to create a tiny room. I cut a square opening, and discovered that there wasn’t quite enough space for a room. But I created a great place to store all my vinyl records.

Another impulsive thing I like to do when manic is paint rooms. I would be impatient though, and not remove the outlet hardware, or even put tape around it, and sometimes I would get paint all over them. In one room I spilled much of the paint onto the carpet, tried to clean it up, and ended up just cutting out the carpet where the paint spill was. As is typical in my mood swings, my judgement was off, and I was being impulsive, so I didn’t think of the consequence of cutting out a big section of carpet. The rooms I painted have all been painted over now, but my albums are still in the closet.

I funded and hired a crew to make a short film while I was manic. It was entitled “Reflections in Passing,” and was shown at two film festivals. I just emailed a local director one day and said “I have two thousand dollars and I’d like to make a film from a script I wrote.” I didn’t even think about the hectic schedule that would be involved and how that would effect my family. I have fond memories of that time, but in retrospect it was a pretty selfish move on my part. Mania makes you selfish and reckless, so I am fortunate to have had a good experience come out of one mania, when there is so much wreckage from others. And I am even more fortunate that my family supported me, or at least tolerated me during the ordeal of practices and filming.

Most of the remnants of mania shows up in my bank account, because spending money just seems so necessary and fun when manic. In total, I am sure I have spent at least $16,000 total during my manias. Eleven thousand of it was from my last mania; I used the money to purchase educational software and supplies. Four thousand of it went to indy filmmakers, and the rest went to hotels (complete with room service!)

There are literally holes in walls, missing carpet, and emptied bank accounts from mania, and at the end of most of those episodes was a depression. So while some of mania sounds fun, judgement is so twisted, reality is distorted, and the sadness that follows cuts deep. The damage it does to relationships is the most devastating aspect of it all. I have so many people I am no longer in contact with because of the shame I feel over the way I treated them during a mania or depression. Sometimes I have the urge, but not always the courage, to reach out to some of them to see if I can make amends. That would be a good goal, so I will start with one friend and make contact this week. I’ll let you know how it goes.