My brain is not being kind to me as of late. It feels like my judgement is off. What I have done to deserve this, I am not sure. As much as I try to do the right thing, mistakes are made due to a poor judgement call, or a lack of logic, or memory loss.

Above all we are to keep the children safe. Two days ago I was walking a 5th grade boy in a cross walk at school. As he got to his grandfather’s car, he realized he forgot his backpack. I told him to go back for it, and while I set his box of birthday donuts down onto the car seat he dashed out into the crosswalk ahead of me. A car started to move in the crosswalk, and just missed making contact with the boy by about a foot. My whole world froze momentarily as I watched in slow motion as the car passed by my student. My brain registered what could have been. I was filled with relief that he was unscathed, but immediately began chastising myself for telling him to go back across the parking lot without telling him to wait for me. All I needed was one word. Wait. 

Every day I go through situations similar to this, while not as dire, the missteps take a toll on my self esteem. Most of the time I just try to start with a clean slate the next day, but that has become more difficult the past few days. I am in an anxious state most of the day, and my negative thoughts are louder than usual, coming to me during the work day in a despondent voice in my head. By the end of my day I am exhausted.

It’s been three days since the incident in the crosswalk, and the voice in my head is still there, but not as negative. I am well versed in cognitive behavioral therapy, and I’m getting better at answering the negative voice with a realistic response at the time it occurs. That’s the most I can ask of myself considering the bipolar brain that I’m working with. Sometimes it will just have bad days. I can’t control that, but I can look toward the realistic, positive perspective of what life is sharing with me.

I am considering resigning from my position at the end of the school year. I’ve even considered resigning sooner, as I saw that the position I was offered this past summer is open again. But I will tell myself to wait. It’s been an emotional week, and my bipolar brain was doing more than it’s share of the talking this week, so I will wait until it is resting a little more and revisit the decision again.