I know the steps to get there, but something is missing that enables me to carry out the task. I have nothing to lean my ladder against. Whether it is sobriety, or work, or expressing myself genuinely, there is something missing in my working memory, or executive functioning or my subconscious that will not allow me to get out of my own way and accomplish a goal.

My brain is fuzzy from the side effects of medication; it feels like I am walking in fog and my head is heavy, my ears are ringing and my body is sluggish. Still I show up, one beleaguered step at a time, hoping that going through the motions will eventually lead to a clearer, brighter path. 

Sobriety. I lasted six months sober, then I had a lapse in December and have not been able to go without alcohol until just this week. The last week of January brought me a resolve I had not been able to find. I have been stumbling around without a clear goal for a month, second guessing my decision to be completely sober, knowing that some people in my life are supportive of harm reduction while others are supportive of sobriety. I feel I engaged in some responsible drinking, but at other times I found myself drinking wine like it was water, and I don’t recognize that person, who chooses to be out of control to that extent. That person eventually shows up, so to make her non existent, I would have to choose sobriety.

Work. Now that I have expressed my feelings of inadequacy, the next step is to get better at what I’m doing. No one can do that for me. So it’s time to step up and find my way through the other’s way of doing things, to my own way of interacting that is effective, and doesn’t involve shouting and demeaning talk. I just have to carve out my own path, and bear with the rest of it until the school year’s end.

Expressing myself genuinely. This should be easier for me, but I find that the more expressive and talkative the people around me are, the quieter I get, as I would have to carve out my own space to talk, which requires a resolve that is too daunting for me at times. It’s easier just to listen and observe. It is time to become an active contributor with my own authentic feelings and ideas.

I will lean against my future self, the empowered, thoughtful, and expressive self to accomplish the goals I set out to meet in these coming months. She is there, standing firmly, ready to accept the leaning ladder I am using to reach her.