Turbulence Ahead

February 17, 2024

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Sometimes making the choice to take care of my bipolar is not fun. I just want to relax and have a few drinks, and not worry that it will interfere with my medication. But the truth is I am stuck in the middle of being a social drinker and being an alcoholic. Some days I can have two drinks and just feel relaxed, and the next day I am swilling down five drinks and jumping on social media, crossing boundaries I would not when sober.

I have avoided making a decision to remain sober, and have run the opposite direction when my brain tells me to set some goals and limits around my use of alcohol. I have talked with my psychiatrist twice about my alcohol use, and he has offered a possible solution, but I am still running the other way, and I will tell you why.

My psychiatrist told me of a medication called Naltrexone, which is used to treat people who are addicted to opioids, but it is also used for people who have issues with the frequency and quantity of their alcohol use. He said a research paper came out criticizing psychiatrists for using Naltrexone only with extreme cases of alcoholism, and not offering it as a solution for milder cases.

He warned me of side effects. It could cause dizziness and drowsiness, so try it on a weekend. It could be hard on the liver, but I get regular blood tests for other medications that are hard on my liver. And if you are in need of a pain medication, you have to let your doctor know you are on it. After hearing all of that, I said it sounded scary. He smiled, and said if I have any side effects, I could just discontinue use. I went ahead and told him to prescribe it, but within the hour I decided I wouldn’t take it. I don’t like the side effects, and I think I can control my alcohol use without adding a medication to my regimen. I already take six medications a day.

I am all over the place. I’m fine, no I’m not, I can drink, no I can’t. Why was it so much easier to stay sober for those past six months and now I am struggling? None of this makes sense. Maybe I should just stop. Stop trying to do it alone.

6 responses to “Turbulence Ahead”

1pursuit

Feb 18, 2024 at 11:24 am

I so appreciate your honesty in writing to us about the struggles you have with the effects of Bipolar Disorder. As a counselor I can state facts about it, but your words of experience are so much more real, so much more helpful, insightful, and enlightening. Thank you.

Your final line, “Maybe I should just stop. Stop trying to do it alone,” is both poignant and powerful. None of us can by going it alone make the grade in this life, no matter what be our disorders. And we all have our disorders. You show wisdom and not weakness when you wrote those words. It is at least in part fear and weakness that drives us to “aloneness.” It is wisdom and courage that drives us to seeking those symbiotic helping relationships, the ones in which we help each other.

Your ability for honest self-appraisal and your courage to speak the truth in love for your honest self are gifts to you, and I suspect they are gifts you have used to serve others often. You can do so going forward. You have much to gain, and perhaps much more to give.

God bless you!

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1. Moody Paper
  
  Feb 18, 2024 at 12:52 pm
  
  Thank you for your compelling, thoughtful response. You really found the heart of it all when you stated that I had gifts I could use to serve others, as I would like that to be the ultimate goal in a life worth living.
  
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Anonymous

Feb 18, 2024 at 1:40 pm

Don’t lose heart, and don’t give up. As one who knows God personally and deeply and who lives in and by Him daily, I can say there is help for you as you move forward. It was there for me, and it is for you.

Thank you again! Great stuff, the stuff of inspiration.

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Moody Paper

Feb 18, 2024 at 2:35 pm

Thank you for your steadfast, encouraging words! I tell myself daily that giving up is not an option.

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rosewoodglen

Feb 27, 2024 at 10:34 am

After struggling with trying to control my drinking, I finally chose to just stop. Not having to make a choice seemed easier— for me. Like a diabetic must just say no. We are all different, I know.

Also, I have heard there is more availabllity of non- alcoholic drinks, just like more choices for vegans are now available.

Keep up the good fight. Your words are an inspiration.

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1. Moody Paper
  
  Feb 27, 2024 at 5:53 pm
  
  Sometimes I wish I’d never heard of HARM reduction, as it is such a slippery slope for me. But there will always be temptations of one form or another, so building up strong boundaries and coping mechanisms will be crucial moving forward.
  
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