Moody Paper

Skin Deep

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Today tears rolled down my cheeks in a steady stream, but there was no relief, just an emptiness inside. It feels physical. You could reach in and none of my organs would be there, not my lungs, nor my heart. My skin is just a vessel that holds nothing inside. A scarred and ugly vessel, with imperfections so numerous that it looks like a twisted Civil War battle map.

I wipe the tears before I reach the gate; I will make my lips turn up into a smile. I am three days sober. Once upon a time I was six months sober, so I can make this happen. I have zippers on my skin, so I can peel away what doesn’t belong anymore, and the drink will be the first to go. Passivity will be next. There are times when I need to respond and resist. No staring into space praying that it will disappear. It is waiting for me, and the sooner I react, the sooner the healing will begin. Just heal. That’s all I’m asking. Heal the skin. Put the organs back in. Zip it closed. Feel something, anything, the next time the tears roll down.

7 responses to “Skin Deep”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    You matter. You are going through a rough season, and losing sobriety is a big loss, like losing a loved one. But you matter. Never forget this. Even those of us whom you have not yet met but who are touched by the words you write and the deep feelings and experiences behind them care for you and are rooting for you. Set backs do not define you or any of us. Unless we are duped into letting them do so. Your victories and your continuing struggle to gain them is what defines you.

    You are a great fighter. General Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkoff, the brilliant military commander, was once called a great general by a reporter. Stormin’ NOrman turned to him with a stern look and said this – “A great general is one who has fought a successful retreat under fire. I have never done that. I am not a great general!” 

    You are fighting a successful retreat under fire. And. You. Matter.

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    1. Moody Paper Avatar
      Moody Paper

      Thank you for your inspiring, supportive and comforting words. They mean the world to me. 

      Like

      Reply
  2. rosewoodglen Avatar
    rosewoodglen

    You are strong, beautiful, and resourceful. Like the video about depression said, do not hide. Let your loved ones know you are in pain, let them know you are suffering. Let them hold you up when you need; ask for help. 
    please. 

    Like

    Reply
    1. Moody Paper Avatar
      Moody Paper

      I will work on being better about that. Sometimes my moods are fleeting, so I try to ride them out on my own. I will do my best to reach out for help. Thank you. I love you.

      Like

      Reply
  3. Christopher Marcus Avatar
    Christopher Marcus

    Hang in there. Please.

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    Reply
    1. Moody Paper Avatar
      Moody Paper

      I have been feeling better over the last day. It’s cathartic for me to write when I’m sad, but I feel bad for sending that energy out to others, as well as the worry, especially when I feel better soon. It’s a conundrum. Thank you so much for your concern. 

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Christopher Marcus Avatar
        Christopher Marcus

        Np. I know the feeling!

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● About Me
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m Alicia, the creator and author behind this blog. I’m an artist living with bipolar disorder. I write because it soothes my soul.

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