I got to pet a baby goat! How cute is she? I had an overnight stay at a farm in Kerville, Texas. Being surrounded by nature and animals was wonderful, even if I was having to navigate my social anxiety by meeting and conversing with new people. They were delightful people to get to know; creative, hard working, and thoughtful. I was sitting quietly listening to their stories when the one of the owners of the farm turned to me and asked, “and what makes you happy?”

Silence. Which seemed like an eternity as all eyes were on me. “My kid. My family. My writing and art.” Then the conversation switched to someone else and I was off the hook. But the craziest thing was today I can say I am happy. I truly felt happy. When she asked that question I hadn’t felt happiness in a long time. It was dulled, just hidden under the surface. But two days after she asked, I felt happiness. And it is glorious. Colors seem brighter. Music touches my soul and envelopes me in pleasant emotions. People are beautiful. It doesn’t feel like the start of mania because I am still hungry and still have a need for sleep. It has just been that long since I’ve felt this good. I promise I will be cautious though. I will keep an eye out for other symptoms that could lead to a manic episode.

Actually, I have thought of something I wanted to spend money on. And it is a big project. Darn it. I learn so much just by writing. I have to promise myself not to do it. It has manic idea written all over it. Come on, I just want to have fun. It’s been so long. “No,” my wise mind tells me. “keep it as a dream for another day.” So I will let myself dream, but not act. It is the compromise my mind agrees upon. I have learned that if I don’t let my mind dream, it will rebel entirely and just devour everything that is healthy. It’s like walking a tightrope. Julia Cameron says “Leap and the net will appear.” I love it as it’s applied to creativity, but it is dangerous for mania. So I curl up and build the net slowly and patiently, until a time to leap is safe.