“Today I am saying a really big goodbye,” I told my class. “I am going to keep each and every one of you in my heart.” Goodbye will mean more on Monday morning when I am not there to greet the children, and only a few may notice that something seems amiss. But it was still important that I tell my three year olds that it was my last day to be with them. We sang the goodbye song as one of the children climbed into my lap and gave me kisses on the cheek. I am fortunate to be leaving with such beautiful and comforting memories.

I try to piece together how I got to this point, as I compare and contrast my last resignation four years ago. I listened to the opinion of others over my own intuition both times when a career path was suggested to me. Well meaning people describing a way forward, an opportunity that seemed appropriate for me, when I knew in my heart I at least had misgivings about it. Listen to yourself. Trust that you know what you need.

During my first resignation I was in the midst of a depression. My boss noticed how I shuffled instead of walked. I didn’t smile, she told me after an observation. My current resignation is fueled by pure anxiety about my ability to do the job skillfully. I wasn’t up to the task, and that could be a mixed state depression talking, as I find my voice was lost. I literally couldn’t turn the volume up on my voice to address the students. Sometimes my words just came out as whispers. Then I would try it again a little louder. Then louder still, until I was using a regular voice level. I don’t know if that was depression or anxiety, but it was much more pronounced than it ever has been in the past. I did feel scrutinized, and that could be part of the reason I was fighting to get the words out.

Scrutinized. Intimidated. Maybe even mocked, when I would catch knowing glances not intended for me to see. I was in a place I didn’t belong. Time to find my footing again.

I feel a sense of relief and calm. I know that will give way to anxiety as the days go on, but for now I am going to enjoy the peace that my brain has decided to give me.