It’s been four days since I stopped taking Olanzapine per doctors orders, and I have been only on Vraylar and Prozac. I had one more sleepless night, but fell asleep the next day, so it didn’t develop into hypomania.

I have some time off now before my job starts in August, so I am making an effort to keep to a schedule of productivity. I am starting a new exercise routine this week; I will be swimming, and I’m really looking forward to it. As a beginner I will start with thirty minutes three times a week.

I feel like erasing myself and rebuilding from nothing. I would like to view everything as new, without any of the baggage I have been dragging around. It’s my choice to keep carrying it, and I feel like screaming at myself, “just drop it already!” I have been alcohol free for a little over a month, I quit on my birthday. That is shiny and new, and I do feel some of the cobwebs clearing out of my brain. So that is a start to the reinvention of myself.

I find myself making the same mistake over and over, it feels like something I learned in childhood that I keep repeating. It all comes down to the need to be understood. If someone can offer me that, I will jump through hoops to please them. If I feel misunderstood, the distance between us is vast. I shut down. I don’t communicate to clarify. Let’s just say the results are not without some stress, and it is my goal to reduce my stress for a healthy brain. I wish I could leave my mistakes behind without a trace, and swimming can be my baptism.