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Rumor Has It
My principal offered me the choice of three positions for next school year. She had heard from someone that I was considering leaving my current job and looking elsewhere. I am not all that concerned who told her, as I try to stay far away from the rumor mill. I am actually blessed by the…
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In This Moment
Exhaustion has overtaken me. I cannot seem to catch up to the demands of the day, they feel forced upon me and I am freezing up in reaction to them. I cannot process what people are saying quickly enough, so they are having to repeat themselves. This bit of overwhelm has been going on for…
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Hidden Mania
I got to pet a baby goat! How cute is she? I had an overnight stay at a farm in Kerville, Texas. Being surrounded by nature and animals was wonderful, even if I was having to navigate my social anxiety by meeting and conversing with new people. They were delightful people to get to know;…
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Ripple Effect
I am experiencing a ripple effect in my mental health care, and the initial splash is my alcohol use. Because of this, my psychiatrist has asked me to try naltrexone first, to aid in my journey to be sober. Naltrexone, he hopes, will ripple out to sobriety, and lower my incidence of intrusive thoughts. If…
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Intrusive Thoughts
I am reading Julie Fast’s and John Preston’s second edition of Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder. It has been years since I read the first edition, so I will get a refresher course on building up my toolbox with helpful approaches to taking care of my bipolar. Every day I must take heed of how…
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Skin Deep
Today tears rolled down my cheeks in a steady stream, but there was no relief, just an emptiness inside. It feels physical. You could reach in and none of my organs would be there, not my lungs, nor my heart. My skin is just a vessel that holds nothing inside. A scarred and ugly vessel,…
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Hidden Depression
I just finished watching a TedTalk entitled How to Recognize Perfectly Hidden Depression by Margaret Rutherford. As a therapist, she discusses the shortcomings of the DSM if one is faced with a patient who hides the depths of their depression, and allows their therapist to see only what they are not too ashamed to admit.…
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Turbulence Ahead
Sometimes making the choice to take care of my bipolar is not fun. I just want to relax and have a few drinks, and not worry that it will interfere with my medication. But the truth is I am stuck in the middle of being a social drinker and being an alcoholic. Some days I…
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Wind Songs
I love ladders, and lanterns and boats. My artwork is interspersed with symbols of ways to climb, light the way, and float on the surface. The last time I scrawled a ladder onto paper was the day my father went into the intensive care unit. I made the trip to say goodbye, and haven’t sketched anything since; not…
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Climbing Ladders
I know the steps to get there, but something is missing that enables me to carry out the task. I have nothing to lean my ladder against. Whether it is sobriety, or work, or expressing myself genuinely, there is something missing in my working memory, or executive functioning or my subconscious that will not allow me to…
Moody Paper 