In my previous post I wrote about a positive experience I had when telling my boss that I was bipolar.  At the time I wasn’t experiencing mood swings and my purpose for disclosing my mental illness was to be of help to a teacher.  Today I wanted to talk about a time I told a supervisor that I was bipolar, and share some reasons why it didn’t go well.

I was teaching art in a middle school.  It was the first year I taught middle schoolers, although I’d done some student teaching with those grade levels.  I was enjoying my students and teaching the subject matter, but I did have a lot of negative self talk about my performance as a teacher.  Looking back, I can see red flags that could tell me I was experiencing a lot of distorted thinking.  I would think other teachers could tell I was a horrible teacher, when in fact I had evidence of others saying that I was a good teacher, and I even won a district award for helping students in my previous job.  Bottom line, I was experiencing distorted thinking and depression.

The day started out fairly well, then my supervisor came in to observe me.  As I was teaching, all the negative thoughts I was having started swirling around in my brain, and I was quite anxious to have my supervisor taking notes on all of my actions.  After she left I was convinced that she thought I was a horrible teacher.  My brain wasn’t able to counteract my faulty thinking.   I decided to go to her office and speak with her.

By the time I made it to her office I was on the verge of tears, and as I talked with her in her office I began sobbing.  I told her I’d been thinking of telling her for weeks that I was bipolar.  It was hard to talk with all that sobbing going on, and I was so absorbed in the moment that I wasn’t yet embarrassed, and I wasn’t feeling shame.  Yet.

She asked me the question, “What do you want to have happen by telling me you’re bipolar?”  And because I had acted impulsively by talking to her in a heightened emotional state, all I could manage was “I’m just concerned for the kids, I want them to have the best education they can get.  I’m not asking to be treated differently.”  Obviously I was not prepared to answer her or advocate for myself.  She gave me the number of the mental health services in our district and I thanked her.  She also asked what I needed.  Her reaction was helpful for the most part, her demeanor could have been a little more understanding.  But she did a good job of responding considering how I approached her.

Since that event, I have read articles on whether to disclose your mental illness to your employer, and tips for having that conversation.  I would have done so many things differently, one of the most obvious was thinking about what I would say instead of rushing in overloaded with emotions.  Today, if I were to tell my current employer, I would advocate for an opportunity to leave work early to make it to psychiatrist and therapist appointments on time.  I haven’t yet decided if I will tell my new employer, but if I do I will prepare in advance.

From much of my reading, the tips I have found the most helpful are from Natasha Tracy.  She is a mental health expert, writer and speaker.  She wrote this article, 10 Tips on How to Tell Someone You’re Bipolar. I recommend reading her blog and watching her videos, so please look around her site and read articles that will be helpful to you.  I just bought her first book, Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression and Bipolar and I’m looking forward to reading it.  I’ll let you know my reactions to reading it in a future blog.