Exhaustion has overtaken me. I cannot seem to catch up to the demands of the day, they feel forced upon me and I am freezing up in reaction to them. I cannot process what people are saying quickly enough, so they are having to repeat themselves. This bit of overwhelm has been going on for six days, and I am hoping some weekend rest will allow me to take a few steps back into the rhythm of the rest of the world come Monday.

Fortunately, my mood is not as low as my energy levels. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that a teacher in another class would like me to work in her classroom next year. The class size is smaller, the children are younger, and the hours are shorter, so it would most likely be less stressful. My coworkers were encouraging and felt I should consider it. I am horrible with big decisions; but I have an opportunity to observe her classroom, so I will take advantage of that, which may help me decide.

The teacher in the classroom I could work in is my daughter’s age. It brings up memories of my own beginnings at teaching, and I have flashbacks of the bipolar encroaching on my ability to do my job over the years. I mourn that loss a bit. I don’t hold onto it for long, as I know I needed to step back and just be a teacher’s aide for my own well being, but I still feel embarrassment at not being able to do the job I went to college for anymore. Not having that level of pay. Not handling that level of responsibility. Not being able to provide as well as I’d like to. Bipolar has stolen these things from me, and I feel angry and disheartened. I allow myself to feel that way, then I will dust myself off and move on to doing something difficult. As Natasha Tracy writes, “Being hard on myself gets stuff done.” I carry her book “Lost Marbles” around with me like a child embraces a stuffed animal.

Once again my moods are all over the place as I write. I am happy it is the weekend. I am pissed I am bipolar. I am pulling myself up by the bootstraps to get stuff done. In this moment, I don’t think that makes me different from anyone else, I think it makes me close to normal.