On Wednesday morning I walked my dog in the pouring rain, and I prayed for my mind to put sunshine in my heart. I love the rain, so I was trying to find happiness as I felt the raindrops soak me, but I needed light to push away a darkness that had settled on me ever so gently, almost imperceptibly. Even the simplest of demands would be met with a quiet “no.” It would not be a day full of action, but would be marred with the doldrums. I am one of the lucky ones; I didn’t have any outside demands on this day, everything would be self imposed.
Take a shower. “No,” the voice whispered.
I tried to fight it, debate it, plead with it and bribe it, but in the end I compromised by combing through my rain soaked hair. The rain cleansed me, I admonished myself, and that would be my shower for the day.
I sensed a pattern to my unraveling, as if wrapped in a web of gauze; a definite dread in the morning in which I was completely enclosed, and I had to claw my way out. Then a rather melancholy middle of the day, with a lightness in my heart when I took a walk with my dog in the early evening, and a pleasant mood when I joined my husband for dinner. Getting ready for bed felt peaceful and comforting. The mood seemed to gradually improve as the days unfolded.
The next few mornings I would be awakened again as if in gauze, sometimes with a loud voice inside my head, and other times a whisper; both were ready for battle. And the fight, well, it can get tiring. I can recall times when I woke up happy and singing instead of full of dread, but they are hazy memories, my voice muffled; a cinematic version of me in slow motion peeling back the covers, smile on my face, and a whimsy in my spirit. I can play that for myself on a loop in my mind, there is only a hint of dread to it, which comes from the eerie soundtrack; perhaps it can be overcome by the sheer joy on my face. Play it over and over, until the whisper turns into a “yes.”
Moody Paper 
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