More than once I was in a relationship for longer than I should have stayed. There was such discord between the things I wanted from a relationship, and the reality of that relationship that I had several mental health challenges. Rather than face the truth that I should just let someone go, I hung on until my bipolar body and brain rebelled. I started to hear voices that inflicted harsh judgement on me as well as telling me to do harm to the other person. I broke up with the person through email, hoping the voices would stop. Eventually they did ease up, and I have been free of such an extreme example of hearing voices for seven years. But in the world of bipolar, you can never be sure if a symptom will return.

I’m thinking about all of this today because I learned that the boyfriend that I broke up with is getting married next month. I am happy he found someone to love who is creative and enthusiastic. I am ashamed to say I thought it would be difficult for him, as if I was the only person who could treat him well. I am very angry at myself for having those thoughts and I am humbled by the blissful way that he describes his present experience. It’s hard to look at the darker side of myself. I feel so self centered. I’m realizing we all choose to see ourselves by the way we remember (and forget!) things and not how they actually are. It would be easy to say “it was the bipolar,” but the arrogance with which I approached that relationship is all about my character. And it is flawed. I do believe there is forgiveness in time; in talking with him I can see that he has certainly forgiven me and moved on, so I can do the same.

If you are interested in a perspective on hearing voices that is different from “wow, you’re mentally ill, lets medicate you” I wrote about it in an earlier post. I still feel strongly that medication is what keeps the voices at bay. I suppose the topic is controversial, but I feel if it’s even a little bit true, that the voices are parts of our psyche that need attention, then I can make peace with any voices in my head.

voices in my head